The Race Director's Guide to Alienating and Discouraging Runners

Ask any runner: there are a lot of bad races out there.  Between poor organization, lack of communication, and logistical nightmares, there are countless ways to turn a running event into a miserable disaster.  And yet, so many race directors insist on putting time and effort into their races in order to provide a fun and positive experience - which is absurd, because everyone knows running should be a grueling, agonizing sport that gives no one enjoyment.  This guide is intended for these "good" race organizers, to give them a set of rules to follow in order to hopefully make their races a bit more terrible and a lot less successful.

Pre-race communication: nah

Don't have a website.  Runners want to work hard, why make it easy?  If you must have a website, include as few details as possible.  Send numerous emails with conflicting information.  The race will start sometime between 6 AM and 10 AM, at someplace.  There will be water stops somewhere.  Maybe.  Keep those runners on their toes, I've heard that's good for them.

Overcharge, overcharge, then overcharge some more

How else will people know it's a serious event without a serious price tag?  You might be giving some of it to charity, possibly, so they won't mind paying a little extra for that t-shirt and banana and pain.  Raise the price exponentially as the event date nears, with same-day registration reaching an amount so staggering it would make Mr. Burns cry.  I would say to charge an arm and a leg, but runners will probably need most of their limbs to participate in your race.

The expo should be bigger than the race

The only thing runners like more than agony is stuff that will later cause them agony, and the best is if you can combine the two.  So, cram as many vendors into as small a room as possible and then carve out a 2-foot-wide path that winds around all of them.  Only have a few people handling registration and packet pick-up, so that standing in line at the expo becomes an endurance event in itself.  Participants will thank you for giving them one last brutally draining challenge before the big race.

Logistics are for losers

If it's a point-to-point course, one or two buses for transporting runners to the start ought to be plenty.  Twelve-thousand participants can share twelve porta-potties (it's not like everyone would have to go at the same time, right?).  Waiting in line as the start time creeps up will create a sense of urgency that will greatly aid any runner.  When it's time to start the race, casually say: "Okay, go," without warning.

Turn the race into an adventure!

Runners love to explore!  Keep directional markers on the course at a minimum so participants can find their own way to the finish line.  Volunteers may or may not even know the right way to go!  Listen to them at your own risk, runners.  Make sure the race crosses or follows many busy roads.  Dodging traffic will up the excitement factor and ensure only the best and most agile runners finish.

Measure once and cut... once?

Getting the distance exactly right when you're talking about a winding 10, 13.1, or even 26.2 mile race is pretty tricky.  So it's no big deal if you're off by one or two miles.  If it's short, runners will be pleasantly surprised to have the anguish end sooner than usual.  If it's long, well, they came there to run, didn't they?  They probably won't notice such a small discrepancy anyway.

Food and water should have to be earned

Only have enough post-race refreshments for the top one-third of finishers or so.  This will motivate those other slowpokes to get better.  Want that stale quarter-bagel piece?  Run faster next time.  I mean, do they really even need it, considering how unbelievably long it took them to finish?

That's it!

These are all the tips you will need to put on an absolutely horrible race.  Follow these and you're bound to have many runners, as masochistic as they are, lining up around the corner!